It's been about two and a half months since my beliefs about my world were shattered.
I thought we had made all our decisions jointly. I thought I was out in Hawaii working towards a goal that would allow us to be together all the time. That this time apart was an investment towards a better future. I had faith.
Granted, it took longer than both of us had imagined but he didn't wait. In fact, he waited only a year before seeing someone else behind my back. For the following TWO YEARS he came to visit me in Hawaii and I went to the mainland to visit him as though everything was normal. It wasn't.
I was absolutely shattered when I found out. This vulture woman that I didn't trust to begin with had succeeded. I am amazed that anyone could be okay knowing that for those two years he was coming to see me and that he was in a committed relationship (or so I thought). How do you justify that? How do you sleep at night?
At first I was devastated. I felt broken. I painted "Betrayal" because there were no words for me. I couldn't breath without the edges of the pain cutting deeper.
Then it was a viscous ball of anger, depression and sorrow. I believed in him. I believed in us. How ridiculous I must have seemed to his family and friends that knew all along. I felt betrayed by them as well. Where was that person who would point out that you should handle our situation before starting another? It makes everything feel dirty and shameful.
"Torment" is about all the old voices pecking at me. I wasn't good enough to warrant honesty? I wasn't worthy of the commitment that we made to each other? I supported him unfailingly when he needed it. I wasn't worth that in return? Why?
All along his only remorse was that he was found out. Not the two years of lying? Not the disrespect of taking her to his family's house for parties and get togethers? How about the risk to my health by sleeping with an alcoholic bar fly?
Then "21 Dozen". Really? There aren't enough roses to heal a broken promise. A broken heart. Our broken trust. Even now he doesn't want her to know about them because "that's just hurtful". Again . . . REALLY? He keeps saying that he doesn't care about her. Well, he cared enough to ruin our relationship over her.
At two months the ghost of my amputated relationship still throbbed. "Seething" speaks for itself. He told me that "some people" might look at my paintings as simply a way to lash out and hurt her. I thought about that for a while and came to the realization that even if that were true . . . after sleeping with him for two years, she deserved it!
The truth is closer to my heart. He doesn't see it. He can't see it. Like in the paintings, his eyes are open but he's blind. I know there are people everywhere that go through this pain and that it's not gender specific. There will always be men that can't think past their anatomy. Just like there will always be women that have no scruples.
Like I said, it's been two and a half months since I found out. I had loved him with all my heart for fifteen years. He lied to me for the last two.
I feel like an "Iceburg:" most of the time now although I still jump around between "Seething" and "Torment" . . . . maybe sorrow is the next one.