It amazes me how often the fire reminds me of itself. Today I am working on a painting inspired by the full moon last night. One of the elements in this painting is the face of a jaguar, maybe a panther, I’m not totally sure but regardless; I used to have a sketchbook that contained drawings of different cat expressions . . . . gone.
The thought of it reminded me of countless sketchbooks I had filled over the years. Some with pages of notes and designs, others with sketches of trees and nature . . . still more with ideas of compositions. The memory of them, then the realization of the loss of them hit me with a thudded blow to my gut.
I voiced these feelings to a friend of mine. After listening for a bit she asked if she could throw in her two cents.
Of course I said, “yes”.
“You need to just move forward,” was her advice.
I wanted to rail against that completely and take a big gulp from the well of self-pity. At very least, the petulant child in me wanted to complain and plead my case about how I was entitled to some measure of sympathy.
Ultimately though, I know she’s right.
Slowly the sobering realization dawned on me that none of those drawings were all that great. Mostly they were ideas quickly jotted down. I don’t think anyone other than myself could have ever deciphered them.
As is the case with most of us, I’ve suffered a boat load of losses. Each one seems devastating at the time but the reality is that life goes on. Sometimes leaving scars that eventually fade, sometimes gaping wounds that need outside help to heal.
I acknowledge that I didn’t refer to those sketchbooks that often. So how important were they really? The pang of their loss subsided.
I realize now I need to create my current thoughts in sketch form again.
Hopefully, with more attention to detail but not so much that they become precious. I don’t want to attach any value to them so that losing them will be nothing more than a fading mosquito bite. That’s the thought that catches in my throat a little. How do I move forward? How do I enjoy the magic that surrounds us and remain aloof? How do I care without attachment?
I guess that’s a question for a longer day with worse weather or maybe I’ll ruminate on it in my next meditation.