It’s been a little while since I last posted anything.
Talking about the fire the other day I was surprised to realize my eyes were leaking. It wasn’t like I was feeling sad, just recounting a couple of things missing in my life, and my eyes dripped of their own accord.
Sometimes they have to release a little water to maintain my correct internal pressure.
Traveling so much since the fire has helped me mitigate the feelings of loss enormously. It’s been wonderously joyful to explore new places and meet new friends.
It has helped relieve the pressure of painting daily. (Although for a good six months I was emotionally unable to paint.)
On the outside it looks like I’m doing well. My attitude is good. My life is awesome. My family is healthy.
What is not externally apparent is the internal struggle I feel some days. (Not every day.) There are days when the littlest thing will slam into my good attitude with a nail ridden club. The resulting depression can last for days.
I try not to talk to anyone on those days.
The good news is that those bouts are getting fewer and further apart. Their duration is also shrinking.
Historically I was pretty good at hiding my feelings. It was a necessary talent for me when I was a military dependent or when being a single parent meant protecting my children. Somewhere in time that ability faded. Years ago, when I was a betrayed lover, a lot of those walls crumbled.
Now I retreat.
That’s okay though. At least I’m not retreating from myself right now. Digging into those emotions when they come up can be painful but at least they’re not overwhelming anymore. I can somehow sense that there will be light eventually, even when it's dark.
Baby steps.
Maybe that’s why I’m writing this post. To shed light on a journey that seems long to me right now; to explain my intermittent “absences”.
I’m starting to paint with greater regularity lately. My most recent piece, “Shadow Dance” touches on that sentiment a bit. It’s the shadow being dissipated by joy.
I am relaxing into a routine here on the big island with thoughts of making Mexico a second “home”.
Today is a good day.
