I am involved in an online art competition.

I’ve never done anything like that before so I’m pulled between two entirely different feelings.

One; (Possibly the loudest) Is the feeling that it’s not at all a reflection of my work. It’s a popularity contest at best, worst case; the end result is up for purchase.

Two; (I don’t like admitting this) I am currently first in my group and my competitive side LOVES that! Although it’s blind, meaning I don’t know how many groups there are and by how many votes I lead. So I question whether or not I will proceed to the next round.

It’s a great reminder that all external validation is subjective. Whether or not a collector appreciates my work (which is always wonderful) or a gallery agrees to show it (for which my finances are thankful), all that is OUTSIDE me. It certainly doesn’t define me. The urge to gauge my personal worth by these outside factors persists though. Although I’ve found the courage to resist this in recent years, I am constantly tested.

The part that INSIDE me is the part that won’t put down my brush.

Whether I’m selling or not.

Whether I win or not.

Inside the silence of my studio, away from the world, paint is still my preferred method of putting voice to my soul.

Sketches and color note to a piece I MAY or MAY NOT bring into reality - one can never be too sure about these things.